Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
