Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
