i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
