I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
