wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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