Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
