if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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