My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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