I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
