Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
