just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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