your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
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Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
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Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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