i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
