How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize