I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
