I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
