I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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