i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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