When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
