so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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