it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
