He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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