Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
