getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
