I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
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She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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