they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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