Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
