Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
