I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
