remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
