: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
