I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
