she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
