Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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