i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
