Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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