You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
