If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize