All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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