im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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