Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
