You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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