Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
