There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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