someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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