We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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