I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
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He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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