I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
