i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Everything about him screamed your future.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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