just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
