mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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