dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
