So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
This house was built for laser tag.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
